1st of May….all change

There is a line in the book The Road Less Travelled that says something about Life is hard once you have accepted that you can move on. I think this morning I am accepting that. Acceptance doesn’t mean you then curl up in a ball because, after all, what is the point? It’s too hard! No, acceptance means you now know what you are dealing with and you take strides to counter it no matter what.

I started this year going to the funeral of my sister’s best friend’s younger sister and since then I have been very reflective and a little fearful. Fear that I’ll run out of time, fear I don’t know what I’m doing, what if it all goes wrong and so on. Since then I guess I created a self fulfilling prophecy, with seemingly one thing after another going ‘wrong’. But in my more positive moments I would look at how I dealt with each catastrophe and kept moving forward.

Faith helps, faith that ‘this too shall pass’ and it generally does. I have had to literally and figuratively move myself out of my comfort zone, be really honest with myself and be realistic regarding my expectations of others. People are dealing with their own challenges so it is unfair for me to expect too much from them. That being said I have had family, new friends, old friends and acquaintances come through for me and support me in fabulously unexpected ways and I guess that is the flip side of this crazy roller-coaster ride called life.

I woke up this morning and have made decisions about my future based on what is best for me, I put all the chattering voices of advice, warning and support aside and just listened to me. I am excited now about what is to come and I’m going to take my time and not let fear lead me.

A new day, a new month and a new perspective for me…and I’m feeling (pretty) good

 

Psalm 90

We are in the third month of the year and I am going through yet another mid-mid life crisis (slightly dramatic). As I write to you I have made some decisions based on my current situation and what I want my future to be like!

-          I am technically homeless

-          I have practically zero in the bank

-          I am transitioning with friends

-          There is no love interest on the horizon

-          All these adorable babies coming into my life are making me BROODY as all get out

So up until today I have been feeling quite crap, this is not a comfortable place for me as I generally try to be an up and happy person, sprinkling positivity wherever I go…or something. This time I have allowed myself to give into my emotions and be sad, feel helpless and lost and stop trying to be ok for other people. I think it was good up to a point and the point of ‘enough’ came this morning.

Being and feeling depressed is boring, tiring and not fun – I don’t like the feeling especially when there is lots to do, it just makes me feel stressed. So I flipped open the bible to see what God wanted to tell me and started reading Psalms chapter 90. Now a few weeks ago I kept getting this verse coming to me wherever I was ‘teach me to number my days so I may have a heart of wisdom’.

I heard it in church when I was trying to figure out which way next, then I heard it at a funeral of a young woman who died suddenly at the age of 27 and so it kept playing in my mind. Then today about two months later that is the verse in the random chapter I had opened on and I am taking it as a message.

As I sat there in bed feeling all sorry for myself and then saw that verse I mentally shook myself. No I don’t have a home of my own but I have a list of people who have opened their homes to me, my bank account is a transitional thing it may not be bursting at the seams now but I have the capacity to do something about that, yes some of my friendships are coming to an end or adjusting to being something else and this can be (is) painful, but other people are coming into my life and bringing so much. I have nothing to say about love other than I will leave it in God’s hands, the same goes for the babies!

So I am counting my lucky stars and giving myself a new attitude because life is short or long and whatever it is I was put her to learn, grow and enjoy it! So how dare I wallow in a pointless bad mood when I can get up and change it all, starting now!

 

 

Hold Me in the Morning

Hold me in the morning

So I know last night wasn’t all there was

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know I’m not here just because

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know that you want to share this moment of calm with me

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know you are not wondering when I will leave

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know that we both felt something deep and good

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know that you could, that you would

 

Hold me, in the morning

Belly flops and heart stops

I met a guy. May not seem overly monumental but it has been an AGE since I met someone that made me get that (here it comes unbidden)  slow creeping smile when you think of them, or that butterflies feeling in your belly when their name comes up or that heart stopping moment when you sense they are near, get a glimpse of them or actually stand in their presence.

It may be amazing or it may be an amazing memory but I’m glad I got to have this feeling again, reminds me why I love the idea of love, connection, belly flops and heart stops!

2013 excites me

It was all a transition…

2012 was an emotional rollercoaster ride, my adult re-visitation to puberty, my mid-mid life crisis, my….you get the drift 2012 was an experience of massive growth and change! It had its ups and downs as I truly settled into Ghana.

Though I moved to Ghana in 2011, I was nicely buffered by a friend who hosted me, guided me through my first few months. I was also crazy busy with work and nursing a broken heart and trying to figure out how I deluded myself for so long! In November of 2011 I moved into my own place and that is when my real move to Ghana happened.

If you followed my blog you saw my issues and challenges with…well…everything, however as I sit here now I know it was all necessary for me. I have grown ridiculous amounts to the point where I can even recognise it. I feel more confident of myself and abilities, I have learnt (and continue to learn) what is really good for me in regards to:

-          Environment – Hot and Sunny

-          People – Discerning as to who I allow to be close to me and how I will accept being treated

-          Ambition – I am and can do business on my terms, there is no cookie cutter model that I have to follow to the letter…I’ll do it myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyyyyy (we’ll check back to see how that works lol)

-          Money – Whoooooooo that is a whole other blog to itself but in short I can sum it up in ‘I now have control over money, it does not have any control over me’ – Affirmation: I have a Millionaire Mind (I f you see one of the seminars for this go, thank you Bernard Acheampong – life changing event xxx)

The list goes on.

I can honestly say at the moment as much as possible I am living life on my terms and loving it, the good and the bad!

So 2012 in point form (no particular order):

-          Managed my challenges like Tim Murray never gave up and managed to defeat my opponents…finally…until the next time!

-          Realised how much I miss and love my friends and family = boxing up emotions DOES NOT WORK through social media I have found a way to stay connected!

-          Saw my best friend have a beautiful baby and can empathise with how men must feel when their wife/ partner have a baby and suddenly they lose a bit of the person they love to this wonderful little person! It’s a challenge but you’ll adjust

-          Went to the OLYMPICS…next year World Cup Brazil whose with me!!!!!

ME at the Olympics…you can’t tell me there is no Laws of Attraction – last minute free ticket to Athletics

-          Got interviewed on TV and Radio

-          Secured £250,000 in sponsorship money

-          Got burned in business and through it learnt my true worth

-          Spoke at an international conference and it felt great!!!!

-          LEARNT TO DRIVE whooohooo – Two favourite driving moments my first long distance road trip to another region (1 major reason I wanted to drive), the freedom and independence it has given me to be girl about town

-          The ridiculous amount of car issues I have had to deal with has chopped my money BUT taught me about car parts, mechanics and been a great first car for practice and dealing with lifes little crisis! Driving is SUCH a metaphor.

-          Having more friends relocate to Ghana, hats off to my ladies!!!!

-          Doing my first Silk Solutions event in the UK and have it be an oversubscribed sell out (don’t wait until the last minute people next ones in March )

-          Saw more of Ghana thanks to friends and the excellent Adventure Junkies = Ghana is beautifully beautiful, I love it here

- Met the Ex-President of Nigeria Obasanjo and the Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (He inspires me) all thanks to a wonderful network called Africa 2.0

2012 was a big year, a transition year. 2013 is the year of doing and achieving! I am filled with excitement and the knowledge that good and bad, easy or challenging I can face it all!

I am changing and I am so bloody glad J

Happy New Year peeps!!!!

P.S Haven’t made as much progress in the old love game but I truly think I wasn’t ready…I’m ready now heeheeheee I’m coming to get yah!

Love letter to my very special people…love you xxx

I am having one of those rare moments when I am happy at my core and feeling extremely blessed with the way life is going and this is very much to do with the people in my life. I was going to send them a direct email and then I thought ‘nahhhhh’ I’ll blog it and let the whole world know that I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

These are true supporters be they family, friends or colleagues they show me they believe and care about me in a million different ways. How do I know this? They push and want and see more for me then I often am able or strong enough to see for myself.

Procrastination has been my friend for years so I guess I have not quite reached my ‘potential’ due to my own ability to get in my way but that is changing due in great part to the people in my world.

So this is me telling you that I appreciate all that you are every annoying, persistent, loving, supporting, funny,kind and loving bone of you. It is working so keep at it

Stay close, stay as you are, Love you

Vina xxx

Season Changing

So it has taken about 10 months (and 33 years) a move 6 hours away from what was home and 2 amazingly insightful conferences to realise a couple of things.

1. I can be whoever I want to be however I want to be

2. I don’t have to accommodate situations or behaviours that I don’t like from anybody

3. I can put me first and it’s not only good sense but it does make you a better happier person

4. Laws of attraction is not a gimmick but a way of life that will make you very happy…maybe not in the way you thought but the way best for you.

So what does this mean in practice, well for one thing I am looking at all my relationships differently. Friendships, work relationships, family everything and deciding how am I in this situation and how is the other person?

If I am being rubbish BUT I care about that relationship I have to adjust myself. Likewise if I am not happy with how a relationship is going towards me…I am now going to be open about how I feel (before I would not) and then if there is no change then there will be no relationship.

It is this thing about being liked, being a good person and being good at what you are delivering. I have realised I can be and generally am all these things and they won’t be impacted if I stop taking behaviour I am not happy with.

So I am putting all on notice, we don’t have to be friends, you don’t have to like me and vice versa…we can live on this planet and be completely civil when we come in contact and then walk on by! Life will go on and without the bull crap we’ll all probably be happier without it!

It’s all about your intentions….

It’s been a little while since I wrote and that’s for various reasons. I had my obligatory ‘I have malaria’ moment or it could have been exhaustion the symptoms are similar apparently. All I know is after my Malaria meds I started to get better.

I lay feeling sorry for myself and wondering why my friends and family weren’t psychic enough to know I was sick and needed some attention. I mean, why should I need to call, text, tweet, email…and let them know. Added to which, if when we do talk I say I’m ok please tell me why you believe me…I mean really!

Once I got better and then told people I had been ill, the annoyance I got from them showed me that I was being silly not communicating properly with people, people who I really care about and who care about me.

The problem is, I have since realised, is that I don’t communicate that well with myself. I, like many others, have been a master at blocking truths, telling myself what I need to hear to move forward (or not in some cases, sometimes that little voice is mean mean mean) and just run of the mill self deception. Thing is sometimes it is necessary, the problem comes in when it becomes the norm and gets in your way…like at the moment.

Last week (22^nd to 25^th May) was a week of epiphanies for me, very necessary, very timely epiphanies that I am still processing. There was a conference called Open Forum 2012 in South Africa and I wanted to go in a way that even I didn’t fully appreciate until the Monday, the day before the main event started the tweets started from those who were attending the Youth Forum and I felt such a gap.Then people is when it all started.

What started? The chain of events that reminded me that at my core I am

1. A person who enjoys the random the unplanned
2. I believe in Laws of Attraction and have faith that if I ask, God will step in…always (if it is meant to be)
3. I need more motivation to function then making money
4. That I need to get back in touch with my passion – Africa and it’s peoples

From when I finally mentally decided at about 12pm on the Monday ‘I want to go this conference in South Africa’, elements came together and by 10pm of the same day I was on a plane heading to South Africa.

The conference was excellent as was the time to think, reflect and reconnect with ‘the me’ that would get so excited by the thoughts and experiences shared by others. I have written up my experience and you can find it here…..http://gatewayghana.wordpress.com/

The key message and continued message of the moment is to live intentionally. I have drifted a bit; letting feelings of being overwhelmed or out of my comfort zone take the lead. Not anymore. I will slide but I have to remember that when I put my mind, focus and belief in something it can and generally does happen!

So that is my June aim for myself, stay focused and remember to do what is best for me and not let things not immediately working become the focus.

Right so I am now off to make more positive amazing things happen and just be happy that I am as blessed as I am. Wish me luck! Go be amazing peeps xxx

 

 

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

Miss me, But let me go*

 When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?

 Miss me a little–but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me–but let me go.

 For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the Master’s plan,
A step on the road to home.

 When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss Me–But Let me Go!

 Edgar A. Guest

 20.04.12. 10.40

My Uncle passed away in January and today is his funeral. It is weird to think that for that period of time he has not been here and today it struck me.

I saw him before I left for the UK and he died 3 days later. So I guess it has been easy to ‘park’ that knowledge until today, until now.

I have mixed feelings regarding the next few days of funeral activities. On one hand I am looking forward to seeing how things are done, watching the traditional rites and being a part of what is happening.

On the other hand I am saying goodbye to my uncle, seeing my mum beyond sad as she has to see her only direct brother go. I think in some ways that is making me feel even sadder at what is to come.

So, I have picked up my all black outfit which will have a red cloth tied around it and my white and black outfit for the day after the funeral, am doing a last meeting – though if I’m honest my mind is not on it – and then I will be fully present in this family time.

12.50

About to go to the mortuary meet the family and…well we’ll see.

13.15

Have you seen the vacant body of one you used to know and care about? Seeing a dead body is a weird experience anyway; not asleep but a similar look of peace on their face.

Seeing Uncle there and not there was weird and fascinating. At some point that will be me and my friends and family. So where will the essence that is our personality, our spirit go? I am a Christian and believe in Heaven but do wonder will it be Vina in heaven or ???

So an ambulance is what is used as transportation for the body and before the journey from Accra to Winneba could begin there had to be some drama.

The case of the disappearing videographer

The body now in the ambulance and everybody ready to go attention turns to the missing person who is to record this important moment…the videographer.

Voices rise and fall, hands gesture and talk of how he has disappointed us begins.

Then behold, someone gets him on his phone and he is at the wrong mortuary. But not far. To be fair, easy mistake to make.

The videographer gets to us and first the recriminations, then the rebuttal! He had been called late to leave his house to meet us and the directions were bad, the recriminators flip to pacifiers and the filming begins; drama over…well at least that one.

They pour libation before we set off and though I don’t understand what is being said, I feel the spirit of it and so watch and take it in.

We are now on the road heading to Winneba…

15.30

It’s times like this you appreciate a partner. My dad came to meet me and my mum at the house where my uncle will be laid out. My dad went up to my mum and said ‘I’m here. You told me to come so I came’ he said it with this smile and look in his eye. My mum smiled a real smile and said ‘mmm I can see’.

It was so sweet and not hearts and flowers but in its own way a real African Hallmark moment.

25.04.12

The funeral was a few days ago and all arrangements, activities and everything that needed to be done has been done. It was interesting to see the musicians, I made a little video of them playing but having seen it I am not going to post it as you can see my uncle and I don’t want to disturb/ upset anyone (as I just did to myself watching it for the first time). However the picture below is of one of the horn blowers. His horn is from 1912 as they are the royal musicians and it is made from an elephants tooth. The group of them playing sounds amazing.

The other thing that threw me was how technology was now a feature of this very traditional feeling space. My niece had brought her laptop to the morning session where musicians play, a priest prays over the body, libation is poured and then the body is placed in the casket. So my cousin could be a part though he was all the way in New Jersey we turned to Skype. I guess it would have been a mixed blessing as you are part but seperate. All the pain, none of the comfort of sharing that pain and reaching out to a loved one who can really empathise.

I met a TON of family, discovered my grandfather had over 50 children (no boys this isn’t a ‘rise to the challenge’ moment), started logging those who were there so I can create my family tree and just tried to absorb as much of the traditions and activities as possible.

It was incredibly sad and surreal. Had me thinking things I didn’t really want to think about. But also got me focusing on what is important to me and how these are going to guide my next steps.

Uncle believed in family togetherness and connectivity, with the size of our family this is clearly not the easiest, but he tried. Each year one of my goals has been to connect more with my family immediate and extended…each year I am no better. I am going to start from now and keep pushing myself to make the effort.

You will be greatly missed Uncle Victor!

Da yie.  (R.I.P)

* My auntie picked this poem and I read it for her at the funeral.

Waking Up

Okay since touchdown I have been having big ladle fulls of reality…necessary? Maybe. Wanted? Not really. I was quite happy drifting on a dream and now I am having to deal with the hard truth of reality. So what is this Reality Bites experience(s) I am speaking of…do read on.

My peace of mind for a pump

So I came back from UK to find my house help had headed home with no forwarding address. I wasn’t so bothered she was gone to be honest, I like my own space. However I quickly discovered how uncomfortable it can be being in a big compund on your own. My neighbours sound very close so when they moved and did stuff next door it felt like it was happening on my compund outside my bedroom. So sleep became unsettled and non-restful.

I also started to get that prickly feeling, you know the one when you feel like someone is there or you are being watched. So a week of this unease and I had started to feel comfortable (after much talking to myself), I had started making enquiries about a watchman and I was mentally debating between a watchman and a dog. So it was extremely unpleasant to walk to the back of my house to find that someone had stolen my water pump. The pump is connected to two water tanks and is plugged in, it pushes the water up to my main tank.

Aside from the inconvenience of having the pump taken my main concern had been

1. A person was able to get into my compound

2. They were able to disconnect everything and not be heard or seen

3. The pump is outside my bedroom window

So as fear started to set in I contacted my Landlord, here is where more lessons started to set in, I had no response from Landlord that day and then the next day and all communications thereafter were about the pump and who was responsible for it being taken. Not once was my welfare enquired after…this was disappointing as I thought we were on good personal terms. And actually as a human you enquire if a fellow human is okay…unimpressed!

Next disappoint told a friend who laughed and then told me that she responded like that because she didn’t want me to freak out…that’s fine, unsatisfactory but fine. However the conversation went on to include some delightful worse case scenarios which further freaked me out.

It wasn’t until last week (two weeks after events) that I actually spoke to a friend who got me and gave me the kind words and support I needed to feel someone really cared.

I now have a watchman and have learnt a few things

1. Manage my expectations of people

2. Know the distinction between a friend/ acquaintence and a business associate

3. Procrastination is dangerous

Love is just a delusion

I have a very good imagination that needs to be channeled into a meaningful avenue as it clearly is dangerous when left to run wild. I had created a wonderful world of possibilities with a particular ‘love’ interest I was excited about what could happen, what could be and what if he was the ‘one’ (cue angel music ahhhhhhhhhh).

So when nothing happened I was disappointed (of course) I mean, damn it, didn’t he KNOW that I had created how this was supposed to go??? Why was he not playing his role??? A few unsatisfactory weeks later and we meet, we talk and I am clear where I stand…or don’t. Yes people I had done it again talked myself into a love like no other…problem being there was no other.

Again the same friend who helped me feel better about the pump situation stepped in again. Her wise words helped me see that while I did (do?) have feelings for this person the main feelings were actually attached to a need for security, belonging and stability. All this change and adaptation a person needs something/ someone to help them feel connected.

Yes I am being all very philosophical NOW not so much then. But I am appreciating my learning. It will sound very new age hippy but I don’t care, I have discovered I need to understand and be fully connected to me before I can find the person who I am supposed to really be with, my ONE. I have to protect and be more security concious of myself, my feelings and those I let into my life.

Most importantly I am learning it’s great GREAT to have a dream, but when you’re living it you better wake up smell the coffee and do what you have to do to make sure the dream remains a good one!