Because I’m happy…and the future is bright

Today has been one of those days which is amazing. It is a turning point I know deep within my everything that this is what I want to be doing and doing and doing. I honestly feel I was guided to do this. I have had this feeling before and I didn’t follow through, as everything started to come together it freaked me out and I ran off.

Not this time because it feels too good. It feels like the best meal, the best thing you could have happen actually take place. It feels like a blessing and I would be some kind of ungrateful being not to take my blessing and make as much of it as I can.

So deep breath in and let’s start walking down the path to my future. Thank you Lord

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Freak Out

Good morning I am at one of those moments, you know when you are shaping your life into the way you want it to be and then you realise its actually working so you freak out.

Not a major running up and down the halls naked or sitting in a corner and refusing to speak type of freak out. No my freak out comes subtly, quietly, innocuously, it comes by sending a gentle proliferation of negative thoughts that seem so plausible that I am convinced it is the truth. It fills me with a strong and consuming lethargy that makes every act seem momentous. My freak out is gentle and quiet and insidious, my freak out is very effective in turning my dreams and ambitions into the shoulda woulda coulda’s that destroy your soul and fill you with a resounding disappointment with yourself.

Thankfully I am becoming more in-tune with my early warning system. I am not a jealous or envious person by nature, so I know all is not well with me when I start feeling these emotions towards others for very particular reasons. If their actions echo that of what I want to do or where I want to be then I start to feel the green eyed monster and that is where I am now. Which is also why I am sitting here writing this, I am taking note of my early warning system and going to start taking steps to get firmly on my path and start walking it.

How will I feel when I get over this bump in the road and get to my destination, or at least the next rest stop in my own ongoing journey? That’s both the cause of excitement and the reason my self preservation mode is trying to slam on the brakes. Send me lots of positive thoughts and I’ll keep you updated.

What are your coping mechanisms when Self Sabotage is trying to rear its ugly head?

 

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Blessed

Can you be too blessed? Can you feel too lucky?

I’m not bragging (or maybe I am a touch) but I know there are some who are attracted to my random way of life. From the outside (and inside sometimes) it looks exciting…taking on the wilds of Africa (ok urban centre of Ghana called Accra), forging a life as a great entrepreneur (that shit was hard…have a job now which I am enjoying and learning from), making new friends and making new conquests (don’t believe the hype…it gets bloody lonely!)

But I love it. I have met some wonderfully supportive people, I am learning, growing and experiencing life in fresh and interesting ways. The good times, the bad times have all been blessings. I am abundantly blessed, so much so, that I have the fear.

What fear? That ‘too good to be true’ fear, that ‘wake up and smell the coffee’ fear, the ‘that’s the way life goes’ fear. I have the fear.

We talk of balance, of ying and yang, statistics, other peoples life experiences and fear the blessings, because nobody is happy all the time, right?

Right now I am clinging on to my blessings, I am speaking allowed my positive truth and I am gearing myself up to have a chat with God. Because I am blessed and I am grateful and I don’t want to let the fear in, but its foot is in my door way. And so I remind myself…

I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed…

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The pursuit of perfectness

I want to be great. I want to be the best at what I do so I know I can be the best at something I do.

My problem is I am a self saboteur in almost every area of my life. I both am running too and, unfortunately, running even stronger from success.

My mission, and I choose to accept it, is to support myself to be amazing. I know it is inside me to do so because I have seen glimpses of it. My aim now is to own the skills and abilities I have and make them work for me consistently.

I have been shown the beautiful way forward of using the ability to transform everything into bite sized chunks. Breaking down my big goal to very small parts and addressing the small parts.

This is manageable, gives you the small wins and makes you feel and see that you are making progress. I love it.

The pursuit of perfection, accomplishment, being the best really does start with baby steps. You know in your mind where you want to go and then focus on the steps to getting there…because eventually you will get there!

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He said he crossed oceans

Why is it so hard to believe in the good stuff? The nice things? The shiny smiley happily ever after?

He said he crossed oceans to submerge himself in me. First thought, what a great line. Second thought, I wonder why he really came here.

I am pretty much a cup half full kind of girl. Always looking for the positive, the lesson, the brighter side of life. Yet, when something good or desired happens I start waiting for the flip side to occur…to every light there is a dark. Or is there?

He did indeed cross oceans and he did indeed submerge himself in me and I in him. Though he didn’t know it at the time I had put it to the universe to have just this kind of experience with him, (true in my mind the setting had a beach, outdoor jacuzzi and a view that was transcendent) I asked and I received.

So I got what I asked for and it was great. So why can’t I believe he crossed oceans for me? Is the gesture too amazing to accept that there is a human on this planet who would consider me valuable enough to cross oceans for?

In all honesty, yes. So I reflect on some sage advice from a young wise one in my world who said ‘you need to put yourself on a pedestal more’.

Good can come and just be good. I am climbing up onto my pedestal and going to make myself stay here until I am comfortable with putting me in this special position.

It really is true, if I don’t think I should be up here how can others believe it and how can I receive it as an honest, true representation of another’s regard for me when they treat me as pedestal girl.

He crossed oceans to help my mind surmount a chasm and we both got something pretty valuable and amazing on the other side.

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Thank you 2013

I am a navel gazer, I am and I love it and I encourage others to join me. I am exploring and exploring who I am and I have epiphanies, and painful realisations and I grow. 2013 was a year of having mirrors thrust before me with the demand I look at who I am and acknowledge all aspects and then accept them.

This was difficult and challenging. This was also one of the best years of my life, I know who I am better than ever before. The key things that have helped are honesty and responsibility. Being able to see my role in the situations that occur in my life have changed how I see the world and my position in it. We so often run away from uncomfortable situations especially when we know that to some degree we have contributed to them. The idea of the perceived retribution is something our minds grasp and manipulate until it becomes something huge, unmanageable and deeply scary. Fear.

It is so easy to let clichés, affirmations, positive statements fall from our lips ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ ‘You only live once just do it’ yet our associations with these statements are generally restricted to fun, daring, exciting events/ situations. Push the bungee jumping and parachute jumping and all other forms of life threatening but truly exhilarating jumping aside and think of the less fun jumping. Jump in and take responsibility for conflict in your life that you feel ‘is not your fault’. No matter what it is we always have a role to play and once we recognise that and deal with that a whole situation can change.

‘I didn’t read the small print…so hands up and now how can we find a solution to this problem’ ‘I knew he/she didn’t really want to be with me but I wanted it so I pushed for us to work…forgive the ex and move on’ the list goes on. If we approach life with this sense of responsibility and honesty with and to ourselves we ultimately will benefit. Negative feelings, irritability, anger, stress, worry all can come out of your system because you have dealt with your part and now you are free to fill that space with more positive endeavours like the bungee jump…or something.

It isn’t easy and I am practising it every day but what I have found from when I started doing this last year, around September/ October, is that it is getting easier and so is my life. I am happier, I feel braver and more confident in myself and I don’t have to waste chunks of my precious life concerned with things that with the spirit of a modern warrior I can change  or conquer.

Bring it on 2014 we are ready for you!

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A moment of self truth

I want to be loved. I want it to be mutual and deep and meaningful. I want the kind of love where your partner is your best friend, your soulmate, your ‘best you ever had’. Many have said this is unrealistic and I even had a conversation today where I was saying it was unrealistic…arguing the point in fact. This is so strange because I used to believe, so truly madly deeply…what happened?

I stopped believing. I had randoms and non-committals and ran from those who tried to offer me more…I stopped believing and now I want to believe. I want to believe in love with friendship, respect and mutual understanding. I want the love that grows and flourishes and adapts with time. A love that produces children and memories and brings family and friends together. I want the dream; I want to kiss the rainbow and feel butterflies glide wild and free in my stomach.

I want that and I’m giving it back to myself. Love is out there waiting for me and I’m about to make myself visible and available. I welcome and trust in my happily ever after. Amen

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1st of May….all change

There is a line in the book The Road Less Travelled that says something about Life is hard once you have accepted that you can move on. I think this morning I am accepting that. Acceptance doesn’t mean you then curl up in a ball because, after all, what is the point? It’s too hard! No, acceptance means you now know what you are dealing with and you take strides to counter it no matter what.

I started this year going to the funeral of my sister’s best friend’s younger sister and since then I have been very reflective and a little fearful. Fear that I’ll run out of time, fear I don’t know what I’m doing, what if it all goes wrong and so on. Since then I guess I created a self fulfilling prophecy, with seemingly one thing after another going ‘wrong’. But in my more positive moments I would look at how I dealt with each catastrophe and kept moving forward.

Faith helps, faith that ‘this too shall pass’ and it generally does. I have had to literally and figuratively move myself out of my comfort zone, be really honest with myself and be realistic regarding my expectations of others. People are dealing with their own challenges so it is unfair for me to expect too much from them. That being said I have had family, new friends, old friends and acquaintances come through for me and support me in fabulously unexpected ways and I guess that is the flip side of this crazy roller-coaster ride called life.

I woke up this morning and have made decisions about my future based on what is best for me, I put all the chattering voices of advice, warning and support aside and just listened to me. I am excited now about what is to come and I’m going to take my time and not let fear lead me.

A new day, a new month and a new perspective for me…and I’m feeling (pretty) good

 

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Psalm 90

We are in the third month of the year and I am going through yet another mid-mid life crisis (slightly dramatic). As I write to you I have made some decisions based on my current situation and what I want my future to be like!

-          I am technically homeless

-          I have practically zero in the bank

-          I am transitioning with friends

-          There is no love interest on the horizon

-          All these adorable babies coming into my life are making me BROODY as all get out

So up until today I have been feeling quite crap, this is not a comfortable place for me as I generally try to be an up and happy person, sprinkling positivity wherever I go…or something. This time I have allowed myself to give into my emotions and be sad, feel helpless and lost and stop trying to be ok for other people. I think it was good up to a point and the point of ‘enough’ came this morning.

Being and feeling depressed is boring, tiring and not fun – I don’t like the feeling especially when there is lots to do, it just makes me feel stressed. So I flipped open the bible to see what God wanted to tell me and started reading Psalms chapter 90. Now a few weeks ago I kept getting this verse coming to me wherever I was ‘teach me to number my days so I may have a heart of wisdom’.

I heard it in church when I was trying to figure out which way next, then I heard it at a funeral of a young woman who died suddenly at the age of 27 and so it kept playing in my mind. Then today about two months later that is the verse in the random chapter I had opened on and I am taking it as a message.

As I sat there in bed feeling all sorry for myself and then saw that verse I mentally shook myself. No I don’t have a home of my own but I have a list of people who have opened their homes to me, my bank account is a transitional thing it may not be bursting at the seams now but I have the capacity to do something about that, yes some of my friendships are coming to an end or adjusting to being something else and this can be (is) painful, but other people are coming into my life and bringing so much. I have nothing to say about love other than I will leave it in God’s hands, the same goes for the babies!

So I am counting my lucky stars and giving myself a new attitude because life is short or long and whatever it is I was put her to learn, grow and enjoy it! So how dare I wallow in a pointless bad mood when I can get up and change it all, starting now!

 

 

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Hold Me in the Morning

Hold me in the morning

So I know last night wasn’t all there was

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know I’m not here just because

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know that you want to share this moment of calm with me

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know you are not wondering when I will leave

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know that we both felt something deep and good

 

Hold me in the morning

So I know that you could, that you would

 

Hold me, in the morning

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