Take it easy on yourself

What am I doing? As the year 2015 is drawing to a close and my own first year back in the UK does the same I am wondering where am I now? I know I am definitely not where I thought I would be, I am trying to get my head around the multiple opportunities laid out before me and worried that I may screw them up. And there lies my problem.

I am so worried about messing it up, causing disappointment and basically not succeeding that I am a little stuck…or a lot stuck. Some would say the first part of the battle is acknowledging this. Ok, it is acknowledged now what. I can say it so seemingly lightly because I am pretty self-aware and so have identified my faults but remain in a place where I am not fixing them and moving forward.

I hate the feeling it leaves me with, but I obviously don’t hate it enough to make the necessary changes and this fills me with frustration and a sense of foreboding. But most of all it fills me with guilt. Guilt that I am letting myself down, God down and everyone who could benefit from the gifts God has given me down as well. Yes it is an increasingly heavy emotional load to carry and so I am feeling perpetually tired and no amount of sleep helps. No surprise, what will relieve the tiredness funnily enough is action not rest.

I know the steps to take, I know the direction I need to be going in and yet I stand here taking the odd baby step forward and then stopping unsure and worried about what comes next. I’m not going to say 1st January ALL CHANGE, because that is not true.

Actually as I read back over what I wrote above which was about two weeks ago I realise my problem. I can’t just ‘fix it’ like a broken shoe that just needs glue. It took me years to cultivate this element of my personality and so now I have to learn a new way of being, this will take time. So rather than have a ‘Fix it’ attitude I need to look at addressing the elements of myself I can see need adjustment or all out eradication. This already feels realistic to me, not so harsh on my mental being.

Time for baby steps into my next phase, good luck with yours.

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‘See things as you want them to be, not as they appear to be’ Message of the day


This has been a very emotional year to date. A year of immense life changes for so many, completely transformative. The number of people who I know who have had babies, or are due to have babies indicates to me last year was a very amorous year for many. It’s a beautiful thing.

The new life in my world isn’t in the form of a gorgeous bundle of joy, but is rather the realisation that the new life that I have been nurturing, supporting, feeding is actually my own. I wonder if new parents feel as I do, a mixture of excitement and a fear of the complete change you are stepping into?

I suppose I am in a luckier position as I do not have the responsibility of a gorgeous vulnerable little thing that is completely dependent on me. I just have me, actually on reflection I don’t think it is lucky. Many, like me, have spent their life not looking out for their own best interests so what is going to be so different this time?

I guess the difference for me this time is that I am very uncomfortable with my current situation and though it may scare me I need to make a change, I need to give birth and life to the changes begging to be let breathe and grow.

Also the opportunitities this new life wishes to offer are laid out before me begging me to come and help them grow, help me grow really.

So chin up girl (or guy) and keep it moving, brilliant is just around the corner!

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Life in the Chrysalis

Sometimes there is a sadness, an emptiness inside that I look to fill with, something. Initially it was food. I ate like each bite was to be my last and even when I was uncomfortably full, the kind of full when you wake up the next day and your body is saying ‘please no more’ but the emptiness is stronger and so more eating.

Thankfully that phase ended, my body won. Food wasn’t the answer anymore, actually it never was. So then came activities I guess, an attitude of focus and let’s get this life game back on track. Fake it till you make it. I am beginning to make it, a shift is taking place and I am feeling part of my world rather than apart and outside it. I am glad because standing apart and watching your life is an uncomfortable feeling, helps give you some perspective though.

I’m lucky. I have amazing friends and family who love and look out for me. They have helped turn back the waves of depression and overwhelm that have threatened to take me persistently over (or under) the last few months. A friend recently told me there are three major moments in life, shifts really, that cause extreme disruption to a person mentally and physically

  1. Moving
  2. Breaking up in a relationship
  3. New job

I have had all three happen simultaneously, her wise words which were and continue to be so helpful ‘you are doing really well, be kind to yourself’. That doesn’t mean get that M and S chocolate fudge cake which is the biggest hug in edible form (ahem) and eat it all to ‘treat’ yourself. It means when you feel low don’t beat yourself up, feel low for a little while, acknowledge why and then move on to doing something to pick you up. A long hot bath, funny film, see friends or family, even exercise – yep you almost definitely won’t feel like it but it is so effective.

Most of the time when feeling low I just wanted to be left alone and lie still, but that was the depression’s desire, a little part of me would say go for a walk, now go and see mummy or call someone. Or answer that call and have a conversation. It is easy to feel lonely and isolated, it’s even easier to exacerbate that feeling by our own actions. Cutting people off, choosing to turn down invites for the false comfort of my sofa and a bag of popcorn (that posh one with the salt and sweet mix).

I am actively forcing myself now to say no to my sofa, as much as I love it and the comfort its cushiony goodness and proximity to the TV gives me. I moved essentially to enhance my life and where possible that of others. I moved back to see if my relationship had a future, it didn’t and at my core I am grateful for that knowledge. That wisdom doesn’t stop the disappointment and hurt, but pragmatic as I try to be I am taking my learning from this experience. I am giving myself time, I am not rushing into dating and I am not going to over compromise just so I can have a man.

I want to be married and have a family but I realise not at any cost or on any terms. Which leads to my new job and business opportunities. It’s funny, in that way life can be, when I came back I thought I was going into this new job which was loads of money and finally the possibility of flying business class when travelling for work. The thing is I had, had a conversation with God before leaving Ghana and told God what I wanted out of this move. God listens to the core of your request not the surface level stuff we think we want.

So the loadsa money job fell through and behind it came my current job. Which, though when I said yes, I didn’t fully comprehend that it so completely fulfils my request to God. It’s like my Mary Poppins list in career developing form.

Also my own business interests are starting to bud as well, so life is starting to reflect the image of life I had started to form when I decided to make my move.

I am definitely on my way to happy. The life changes happening in my sisters lives is bringing us closer. The birth of my niece has been like some magic restorative medicine. I’m learning or re-learning that life has a way of working out, perhaps not in the way I had pictured or planned it, but it works out.

If you are having one of these transitional, transformational, challenging times share your story, open up your feelings and let them out. Keeping them inside is not good or healthy for you and when you share it and hear responses from people who really love and care about you, you realise they appear bigger or are maladjustments of the truth of the situation. You are not alone and you are doing great. I’m off now to go and get love and hugs from my Godson, be well and have a great day! Drop me a line if you want to share your story, happy to listen.

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2015…Half way gone or half way about to get amazing?

How it is, is usually not how you thought it would be. In my case that is a MAJOR understatement.

I thought at this point my life this year would look very different to how it is now, right now I am single, not in the position I thought I would be in workwise and figuring out a number of personal issues. To say God came and put a boot in my hornet’s nest is putting it mildly.

I have described how I feel about where I am and how I feel as being at point zero. At a point where everything is back to scratch, re-set and I am figuring out what went ‘wrong’ and what do I do next. Wrong is a contentious word to use here as I am not sure things went ‘wrong’ as in not as they were supposed to OR in reality not as I had wanted them too so it feels wrong. As I start to get some perspective I am thinking that perhaps things went very right but just not as I had planned or thought I wanted. Hindsight shows me that forces greater than me are making sure, in the long term, things go right for me.

I am getting to that point of positive philosophical reflection but don’t be fooled I have comfort ate like a champ, had the miasma of depression wrap itself a round me like a shroud and been on an emotional rollercoaster for the first six months of this year.

But here we are the eve of 2015’s half way point and what a day I have had. Clarity, new direction, opportunities being revealed and a gentle calmness in my spirit all coming to me. I am blessed, in the depths of one of my most miserable times I have been continuously blessed, so all I can really do is be grateful.

The future is mine and though it may not follow the path I might plan, the path it takes will be for my developmental and personal best. What I have experienced will strengthen and mature me because I take it all for the lessons that they were and refuse to let it embitter or impede my progress.

God has a plan for me and who am I to get in the way of that. The Me that woke up is in a quite different place from the Me that is about to go to bed.

Happy half way mark people, may the rest of the year be a joyous reflection of the learnings from the first half.


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What makes a life matter to you?

While I was in London my housemate in Accra, Ghana was telling me about a domestic problem she was having and how she needed assistance to remedy it. I gave her the number of a gentleman at my old workplace in Accra who did all the odd jobs and bits and pieces that needed to be done. In the UK he would be called the Caretaker, in Accra there is no such title. This role is moderately paid and the position holder is often not treated with the full respect a person should be afforded no matter the perceived worth of their job. Referring him to my friend wasn’t a big thing to me it was simply a possible solution to her problem.

I have just come back from Ghana and on my last day when I was speaking to this gentleman he thanked me for thinking of him and referring him to my friend. I told him it wasn’t anything that needed thanks; what he went on to say has stuck with me and had me turning it over and over in my mind since. He said it in Twi so I shall write it as he said it in English translation ‘when your friend called me I was happy because it showed me you see me as a person. Just because you don’t have a car you are still a person, just because you don’t have money you are still a person, just because you don’t have a big house you are still a person. So thank you very much’. The passion and determination in his delivery showed me how important it was for him to say this to me.

I was speechless, he left shortly after that and I was left reflecting over his words. Ghana is a country of hierarchies, positions and concepts of respect and how one should demonstrate this to another. How this plays out in society is that some people who perhaps do not deserve the respect and consideration of their peers and the rest of society receive it bountifully. Corrupt leaders, politicicans, religious leaders, business people and so on often are treated favourably though their actions are not only heinous but also detrimental to the country, congregation and/ or individuals. Why? Simply put money, power or both. How either is come by is seemingly not of great importance just the fact you have it is reason enough for my diffidence to you.

As I thought of what my ex-colleague had said, I had to think about what moved him to say it. He clearly had been made to feel on a number of occasions like he wasn’t a person, therefore it would follow that he had been made to feel like his life didn’t matter.  There is a great deal of attention and focus on the movement Black Lives Matter in the United States as there should be. The apparent disregard for the sanctity and value of a black life in the US is clearly a Human Rights violation.

Conversations lead me to ask do Black Lives Matter to the owners of those lives for themselves and to those who share the same skin tone? I am not referring to Black on Black crime I am rather looking a step further and taking it back to Ghana. Ghana is a great place yet it is a place where almost everything you do seems to hold a certain risk factor. You go to the supermarket to purchase products or to the market and you are hoping that the meat really is fit for consumption and isn’t the condemned meat from some other country which has been frozen, transported to Ghana, dyed, pumped with water to make it look ‘normal’ and then sold on at a premium to the unsuspecting consumer.

There is little confidence in the companies in place to safeguard you as the fear is that the inspector was tipped to let this consignment through. Money is given greater importance than the safeguarding of the lives of those whom you have responsibility for as your job of which you get paid. A similar scenario can play out in the pharmacist with the medicines you buy; in the wires purchased to fit the electricals in your home and on it goes. If people within your nation truly believed your life mattered would these practices be able to not only flourish but be accepted as the norm?

Currently, in Ghana, it is promising to see the people – seemingly all strata’s of society – came together to march against the constant and seemingly endless power outages or ‘Dumsor’,  meaning off and on, that is being experienced. The associated dangers of this have been a rise in crime, dangers in the health service, road safety issues and extreme personal discomfort. The people asked the government what they were doing about this problem and demanded more effective actions. I say this is promising because people are waking up to the fact that they deserve more and can make it clear that their needs, their views and their lives matter.


If we bring it down to an individual basis how do we treat each other? If you do not seem of ‘value’ to me, am I dismissive of you? Rude? Do I disregard your very presence until I am forced to have to address you? The quick and easy answer is, no I do not do any of those things, but take a moment and reflect on how you interacted with your house help, driver, street seller, assistant at work, those you manage. Are you aware of your tone and attitude when you interact with them? That is really where it starts. The most heinous crimes in humanity have been able to occur when people stop seeing other people as being as much and as worthy a person as themselves.

If you truly believe Black Lives Matter, all Black Lives then we have to act accordingly to those who are living because when they are dead it is too late for them to know that they had great worth to this planet.

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After the fast comes a New day, a New way!

Fasting was a positive experience for me and one I will definitely continue to practice. All I asked the experience to bring me, it did and I am grateful for that. Fasting with an area of focus in mind to pray, meditate and direct action too was very rewarding. Your mind opens up to possibilities and your focus compels you to action and so you can actually see the differences happening.

Being in a concentrated space of prayer and gratitude mentally does have an impact on your attitude and puts you in a generally more positive place. I prayed for clarity and direction in a number of areas. I am now in a place where I have a path to follow, it is unexpected, a little scary but super exciting. It is, in my mind, a complete deviation from who I thought I was and what my life journey would look like but that’s the point ‘He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (Romans 8: 27 – 29)

So based on that I am following the voice of the spirit inside and taking action to bring God’s plan for me into reality.

Exciting times people!

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Fasting, Focus and Stephen Covey

I decided I was ready to commit to fasting for 3 days, I have read about the process, asked people and thought about it but never done it. I kept feeling like I wasn’t ready as I wanted to do it for spiritual reasons but had blown it up to be this huge thing and so kept ‘preparing’.

Monday I just decided from Tuesday to Thursday I will fast and break my fast at 6pm with wholesome food. I would drink water and herbal tea as my sustenance and I will just see how this goes. Yesterday was day 1 and I was happy with the process. Happy in the sense that every time I felt a hunger pang I would pray, say thank you or reflect on the purpose of my fast. Ah yes about that…the purpose. So I was drawn to fasting now as I have been praying for clarity of direction and purpose in practically EVERY area of my life. Currently I am going through change, transition, transformation and bouts of limbo. All of these feelings are unsettling.

Through prayer I got a word ‘adjustment’, and then I felt led to read a book I have been looking at on my bookshelf for the last 4 months. The book is ‘7 Habits of Successful People’ by Stephen Covey. In the first few pages he talks about paradigm shifts, again ‘adjustment’. He invites us to consider that we all have a Paradigm ‘it’s the way we “see” the world-not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, interpreting.’ (p.23) He goes on to talk about how our Paradigm’s are our own and often very different from everyone else’s. Therefore your world is influenced by your Paradigm and other people are experiencing the same through their paradigm, we are not all living or experiencing the same world in the same way no matter how much it feels to us like we are.

For me, this made me think that I can adjust my Paradigm as it is an ‘interpretation’ it is not a ‘fact’ and therefore I can find how to transform myself into the person I need to be to do the things I want to do, my purpose.


Through fasting I am hoping to be more alert to my guiding voice, my spirit, my God within me who has been actively, I feel, guiding my path as left to myself I have been meandering for some time. Covey in a talk I found on YouTube talks about being quiet, still and just listening to what comes to you – that is what I believe this time will help me to do.

With this feeling of ‘the time for manifestation is now’ it felt right to fast and focus. It is not easy but I suppose that is the point, when something needs effort it instigates thought and reflection into what you are doing and why you are doing it. This being the Christian period of Lent, which encourages a time of reflection, it all feels very natural that, that time for me to be ready is now.

That is all for now, when I have more to share I shall be back.

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It was all a dream – Inspired by a thought of another

‘Is this just real life, is this a fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality’

I had a fantasy, an expectation of how this trip to London would play out, the introduction to the ‘new phase’. I was excited about that vision, what it would look like, feel like, be like and pretty much as soon as I got here I have been on a landslide to reality. Is it safe to have expectations, is it advisable to dream and allow yourself to be invested in that dream?

These are the thoughts taking space in my mind, these are the thoughts causing emotional responses in my body. I feel like there is a lesson I am being taught and something I am supposed to take from my current position and it is slowly becoming clearer.

It is the eve of my birthday and so it is quite interesting that it is now I am having some kind of break through, though to take the mystical out of it – I think I have been ‘busy’ and ‘distracted’ until right now this minute. I have relaxed, I let my guard done and without the tension the emotion and thoughts have come spilling out. It is a relief.

This is the beginning of a thought, if you have been thinking about something similar please share and assist me on this path of exploration.

Fantasy, reality, thoughts become things or not – the right/ strongest thoughts become a reality?

The over arching message I am discerning from books, conversations, signs and intuitive moments seems to be around what could be considered as being selfish; one must focus on developing oneself. We don’t NEED other people to appreciate us so we can appreciate ourselves. Rather we grow and contribute to others when we know ourselves and how to GIVE and RECEIVE positively. Not an easy lesson and seems to involve stripping back the majority of what we have been taught and socialised to believe. Yet I am thinking it is both beneficial and necessary.

I will be gently re-evaluating my fantasies (conscious creation of a preferred reality) and paying attention to my dreams (subconscious indicators of a possible reality) to see what kind of reality will benefit myself and those close and connected to me the most.

Because life is easy come, easy go and I would like to continue locating the best way of experiencing this life I’ve been given.

Thanks for listening

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Conversation, Coffee and Commitment

Yesterday morning I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep with all the thoughts jockeying for position in my head. I had been back in the UK 9 days and it has been an emotional avalanche.  When I was thinking about this earlier one song kept playing in my head ‘can’t keep running away’. The thing is that is not what I thought I was doing.

I have seen that living in Ghana gave me that distance from this ‘World’ and so while not running away I was a part from it and so was unknowingly comfortable in that space. My world revolved around no electricity or water or the strength of the Cedi playing a game of ‘how low can you go’. To be fair the cedi is back on the rise which is a good thing.

So I woke up feeling like I had the woes of the world hovering over me, to get away from my thoughts (no, not running away) I decided to go for a walk, which turned into a decision to take my diary and go for a coffee and write it out.

I sat in the coffee shop with coffee, well soya mocha , to the right of me and pen in hand, diary open and ready to receive. I started writing but it was stunted, forced. This wasn’t the catharsis I had been planning on. Suddenly at 9.30 am on a Sunday morning I hear my name, I look up momentarily blinded from the sun behind the owner of the voice and, to be honest, the fact I didn’t have my glasses on so couldn’t see so good.

It was a friend I haven’t seen for ages and usually see in Ghana. To say I was surprised was an understatement, but pleasantly so because I knew something was going to happen, I had been brought out on this cold morning out of my bed to meet him. So I closed my diary smiled and opened myself up to what was to come. Also just earlier in the week I had said I missed the fact in Ghana I would bump into someone I knew wherever I went, I had also specifically used my coffee visit in the same establishment to exemplify how I wasn’t bumping into people.

My God did not disappoint. I truly believe that as you need something or someone it will come to you with patience and an open heart. The conversation we had covered Ghana and helped me clarify some thinking on my relationship with Ghana, circumstances of life and how we respond and our role in creating a better future and what that even means. It was perfect.

There have been 2 phrases and a third was introduced in this conversation which I refuse to accept in totality. These are:

  1. It is what it is
  2. That’s life
  3. We are all F*c%$d

In all cases I believe yes perhaps right now but it could all change in a moment, you could change or change it in a moment, or a bit longer. What if it isn’t what it seems to be? What if what you can see is only the surface or the beginning or an indicator of something else? Another choice or path?

That is life if you agree that it should be this way or that way. What is it about it you don’t like and can that be changed? Are you willing to make those changes? No? Then yes That’s life. There are the elements that are part of the life cycle – birth, illness, death and I have to agree there is little we can do to change those happenings. What we can change/ manage is our response to those things.

The conversation this morning woke me up and picked me up so I am so grateful for my tall, dark, handsome friend who wondered in out of the cold for a strong black coffee to wake him up. We both ended up having an unexpected awakening, as he said ‘damn this corner of Costa’ as revelation after revelation revealed themselves to us. Unasked but at the end quite welcome.

So many areas were touched upon but the overall outcome, the guiding light was quite simply this. At the end all we can do is live our best life for us, if in so doing you inspire and help others all the better but the focus must stay clear for you. All other people’s opinions, thoughts, helpful support means nothing if it is not in-line with your personal journey, your personal truth. So take that step, face forward and remember nothing matters as much as you think it does right now, so choose how you are going to live this life for you, commit to it and get started.

Really happy I listened to the voice and got out of bed yesterday morning cos it was cold outside :-)

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Because I’m happy…and the future is bright

Today has been one of those days which is amazing. It is a turning point I know deep within my everything that this is what I want to be doing and doing and doing. I honestly feel I was guided to do this. I have had this feeling before and I didn’t follow through, as everything started to come together it freaked me out and I ran off.

Not this time because it feels too good. It feels like the best meal, the best thing you could have happen actually take place. It feels like a blessing and I would be some kind of ungrateful being not to take my blessing and make as much of it as I can.

So deep breath in and let’s start walking down the path to my future. Thank you Lord

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