Life can often feel like we have no choice or that we are out of choices. I am learning that it is simply that the choices that you can choose from are a lot of work. That these choices make us uncomfortable, force us to face how empty life will be if we don’t take a choice, a step, some kind of movement in the direction of change all really comes down to one thing, fear.
I know I cannot stay as I am but how am I supposed to move forward…scared as I am?
This has been a very emotional year to date. A year of immense life changes for so many, completely transformative. The number of people who I know who have had babies, or are due to have babies indicates to me last year was a very amorous year for many. It’s a beautiful thing.
The new life in my world isn’t in the form of a gorgeous bundle of joy, but is rather the realisation that the new life that I have been nurturing, supporting, feeding is actually my own. I wonder if new parents feel as I do, a mixture of excitement and a fear of the complete change you are stepping into?
I suppose I am in a luckier position as I do not have the responsibility of a gorgeous vulnerable little thing that is completely dependent on me. I just have me, actually on reflection I don’t think it is lucky. Many, like me, have spent their life not looking out for their own best interests so what is going to be so different this time?
I guess the difference for me this time is that I am very uncomfortable with my current situation and though it may scare me I need to make a change, I need to give birth and life to the changes begging to be let breathe and grow.
Also the opportunitities this new life wishes to offer are laid out before me begging me to come and help them grow, help me grow really.
So chin up girl (or guy) and keep it moving, brilliant is just around the corner!
How it is, is usually not how you thought it would be. In my case that is a MAJOR understatement.
I thought at this point my life this year would look very different to how it is now, right now I am single, not in the position I thought I would be in workwise and figuring out a number of personal issues. To say God came and put a boot in my hornet’s nest is putting it mildly.
I have described how I feel about where I am and how I feel as being at point zero. At a point where everything is back to scratch, re-set and I am figuring out what went ‘wrong’ and what do I do next. Wrong is a contentious word to use here as I am not sure things went ‘wrong’ as in not as they were supposed to OR in reality not as I had wanted them too so it feels wrong. As I start to get some perspective I am thinking that perhaps things went very right but just not as I had planned or thought I wanted. Hindsight shows me that forces greater than me are making sure, in the long term, things go right for me.
I am getting to that point of positive philosophical reflection but don’t be fooled I have comfort ate like a champ, had the miasma of depression wrap itself a round me like a shroud and been on an emotional rollercoaster for the first six months of this year.
But here we are the eve of 2015’s half way point and what a day I have had. Clarity, new direction, opportunities being revealed and a gentle calmness in my spirit all coming to me. I am blessed, in the depths of one of my most miserable times I have been continuously blessed, so all I can really do is be grateful.
The future is mine and though it may not follow the path I might plan, the path it takes will be for my developmental and personal best. What I have experienced will strengthen and mature me because I take it all for the lessons that they were and refuse to let it embitter or impede my progress.
God has a plan for me and who am I to get in the way of that. The Me that woke up is in a quite different place from the Me that is about to go to bed.
Happy half way mark people, may the rest of the year be a joyous reflection of the learnings from the first half.
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It is the weirdest feeling liking someone, really liking someone and not being sure if they like you back and if they do how much. It’s like an invasion, for me the first to be taken over is the brain. My thoughts are no longer my own all full of him and reflections and imaginings. Next are the senses smelling his aftershave in the air causes butterflies, looking out for them in places where they may be (or not…just hoping), listening out for the phone to ring or beep and it’s them, un-necessary touching at any available opportunity when you are in their space and on and on.
What to do? I have no answers. I miss the feeling when there is no one taking over my emotions but when it comes to visit, it can be so tiring but admittedly it does make me feel a little more alive. Liking/ loving someone is a connection to another human being and whatever way it plays out you are going to be moved, changed affected and that, I think, is necessary. The only thing I would say is not to allow yourself to get too lost in the feelings because that way pain and obsession lie…we don’t want that!!!
Am I feeling these feelings now, yes I am. It is a mix for me, I like the distraction, and the little things that have happened that make me smile. At the same time it is not a straight forward situation so there is a little disappointment in there…added with wailings of WHY GOD WHY???? Can’t it just be simple and straightforward, just this once?????
However complications aside I have learnt a lot about myself, what I want and what I am looking for at this stage in my life and that is a good thing. So as the wonderful commercial exercise that is Valentine ’s Day rolls around (I actually do love the idea of Valentine’s Day), I will content myself with my fantasies and daydreams to keep me warm and know that my Prince Charming (whoever he may be) is wondering where I am and waiting for us to meet.
So going to collect my friends, arrange lots of yummies and enjoy the love and company I get with them!
A Moment In My Mind 